Carrying On

Carrying On, Day 53 Mar 29

Our apartment in Battambang is, to the western eye, either charming or shabby depending on how you feel.  We have lots of space (with ants), a kitchen (with ants) , a big terrace (with ants), noise, dirt, and blessed be the air con in the virtually ant free bedroom. But it is not at all smart or even very comfy.

It is interesting that locally our accommodation seems to disappoint; neither at all glamorous or well provisioned and too hot.  I don’t think the aesthetic of “charming” has much currency here and apparently our place is always the last to rent in the building.  I sort of feel we discovered it.

But on another tired humid morning with the call to prayer kicking in at 5am and Jo awake even earlier with doubts and then Taran refusing to go to the school today it is hard to find much comfort within its bare plaster confine.

Well the swimming pool usually works with Taran, eventually, with time and compassion and humour. But these are elusive qualities.  And for Jo and me it is a morning of soul search.  What are we doing?  Why spend another hot day trying to feel okay about isolating ourselves in a remote and ill provided town far from friends and easy living.  It can feel like masochism, endlessly away. Jo longs for familiarity.  And hubris, as if we are ever going to change anything and are we going a little crazy here?  And is it fair to Taran? And what about our friends – what use are we to them here?  Will we know them when we return?  And surely it has only been eight weeks for goodness sakes and we are complaining like refugees. How pathetic and indulgent – go home if we want.  Taran who has skipped breakfast in order to write long and tearfully in his diary storms in to tell us straight out “if you don’t agree to take me home now I will go on hunger strike until I get back to England”.  He leaves his diary on the table.  It is a heart wrenching read.

It is a good thing then that the school calls us to say there are exams today and not to come in and that we are able to go out to our favourite Pizza restaurant for lunch.  And that the swimming pool is open and later the gym and that we are leaving for a weekend on a Thai Island tomorrow. And there is cold beer.

It is quite easy to fix the rest of the day as far as that goes but the weltschmerz will linger on a while.  It is not all sunshine and holiday in the Caston household.  Fingers crossed for the beach.

And Taran at bedtime in his tin bath and bucket shower is as happy as a seal.